ADHD & Parenting: A Talk with an ADHD Coach

Jeremy Didier is an ADHD coach, parent, immediate past president of CHADD's board of directors, a clinical social worker, and addiction counselor. Jeremy explains the importance of recognizing ADHD, shares how parents can support their neurodivergent children, and discusses her own ADHD diagnosis that came later in life. 

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Lauren Clouser:

Welcome to the LDA Podcast, a series by the Learning Disabilities Association of America. Our podcast is dedicated to exploring topics of interest to educators, individuals with learning disabilities, parents and professionals to work towards our goal of creating a more equitable world. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the LDA Podcast. I'm here today with Jeremy Didier, an ADHD coach and immediate past president of CHADD's board of directors, and a clinical social worker and addiction counselor. Jeremy, thank you so much for being here today.

Jeremy Didier:

Oh, my gosh, Lauren, thank you so much for having me.

Lauren Clouser:

We're so excited to talk to you a little bit more about ADHD. But before we do that, could you tell us about yourself, give us a little bit about your background?

Jeremy Didier:

So I'm an adult with ADHD, a late diagnosed adult with ADHD. I have five kids. Four of them also have ADHD and other fun neurodiversities. I've got two that have ADHD and autism, so they're AuDHD. And I've got two that have ADHD bipolar disorder, and we've got some dyslexia and some dysgraphia thrown in there and Tourette and just, you know, all the fun and fabulous things. I live in Kansas City. I'm smack dab in the middle of the nation. I started the Kansas City CHADD chapter.

We call it ADHDKC because back then, nobody knew who CHADD or what CHADD was, which is Children and Adults with ADHD. And thankfully, you know, we were just kind of in the right place at the right time. Fifteen years ago, there wasn't a CHADD chapter here, and nobody was really talking about ADHD that much. And I needed people to talk to and know…We've just been incredibly fortunate. And I've been able to volunteer with CHADD along the way. And I got my coaching certification and worked with ImpactParents, formerly ImpactADHD, for a while. And then after that, I realized that what I really wanted to do was assess and diagnose adults with ADHD, particularly women, because I missed my own daughter.

I caught all my sons that have ADHD, but my daughter has ADHD also, and we missed her. And I met several other professional adult women with ADHD who had daughters who were also missed. And so we kind of went on this mission to make sure more girls and women were diagnosed with ADHD. So I went back to school when I was 50 and got my master's in social work and became a clinical social worker and an addiction counselor. And like you said, I'm the immediate past president of CHADD. It was like, one of the most incredible honors of my life to get to be in that role for such an incredible organization that supports people with ADHD everywhere. And I currently serve as the advocacy and public policy co-chair for CHADD. So I'm still very much involved there.

So that's a lot about me, probably more than you ever wanted to know.

Lauren Clouser:

No, that's fantastic. I think that's really going to shape our conversation today, and I'm so excited to get into it. But if we could start at the beginning about when your first child was diagnosed with ADHD. What did you know about ADHD at the time? What sort of signs made you investigate? What were your thoughts?

Jeremy Didier:

So I'm embarrassed to say that back in the day, I honestly was skeptical about ADHD. And this was, it seems like a very long time ago now. My brother had been diagnosed with ADHD and my sister had been diagnosed with ADHD, but they're 10 years younger than I was, and this is like the 80s when they were diagnosed, mid to late 80s. And I was kind of like, I don't think it's accurate. If they just tried harder, they would be doing better. 

And thankfully, our son that was first diagnosed, he's our third kid. And if he'd been our first kid, he would have been an only child because he was so dramatically different from the first two. I mean, he was the classic, I guess, boy with ADHD that you think of. You know, he could not sit still. He ran out in the street. He had no thought of safety for himself or anyone else. We were in the emergency room because he would jump out of trees and break bones, and we had to put locks on the doors way up high because if I turned my back for a second, he would just go explore the neighborhood, you know, so we had to make it so he couldn't get out. 

So I honestly didn't know very much about ADHD at the time until we went through the process of getting Theo diagnosed. And like I said, I was just really fortunate that we worked with a nurse practitioner, actually, who was very well-versed in ADHD. 

And, you know, in the Midwest, I think we're just a smidge behind the coasts in terms of ADHD and ADHD awareness. And I'm so grateful for this woman because she asked us about Theo's strengths. And she really came from a strengths based perspective and she actually just happened to have in her waiting room like the most recent copy of a Patricia Quinn or and a Kathleen Nadeau article about what ADHD looks like in girls and women. And so that's how I was able to get diagnosed after that. And we've just learned a lot along the way. 

I hardly knew anything about medication. There was a huge stigma around medication at the time and you know, none of us wanted to try medication. But I also know that our lives were really, really challenging when he was little. We would have to walk around with him when we went to the older two kids' events because he just could not sit still. And I remember the first time we tried a medication for him that worked. And this is why I'm pro medication. And I know it's not for everyone, it's a personal choice, but you know, we found the one that worked and he was young when we started him, so there was a good deal of stigma around that too. But he sat in my lap for the first time for like 45 minutes, and I got to watch my son's baseball game, and I just sat there and cried the whole time because I was so grateful that we had found something that worked.

And he was able to sit still. And I don't care if kids sit still. But just the fact that he was able to sit in one place for a little while so I could watch the game was amazing. And you know, since then I've just…I love to learn. I've just thrown myself into learning everything I can about ADHD. It's like, my special interest. 

And so I'm sure I annoy all kinds of people, but I'm also the person that, no matter who, people ask what I do for a living, and you probably experience this too, you know, the Uber driver is like, oh, my kids have ADHD. Or, you know, people in the elevator, or so many people that I meet want to talk about ADHD when they find out what I do. And so it's truly been a gift to be on this journey.

Lauren Clouser:

Well, I wanted to dive more into…You're not the first person who realized that they also had ADHD after their child's diagnosis. Could you tell us a little bit about that realization process of how the gears started turning? You started to connect those dots for yourself.

Jeremy Didier:

Yeah. So my ADHD now, looking back, presents itself as impulse control. So when I was reading what ADHD looks like in girls and women, one of the things they talked about was that girls with ADHD aren't always hyperactive or don't show their hyperactivity in the same ways as boys with ADHD. But I actually was probably more like a boy than I realized. 

I mean, I had trouble sitting still, you know, and I was excessively social. I say social. I was very challenged with social skills, but that didn't mean that I didn't try. And I talked a lot, you know, and I got a ton of speeding tickets. I think I had like five speeding tickets in high school. And our family’s insurance agent came to the house to tell me that I was going to have no insurance if I didn't figure out a way to slow down. That didn't stop me. I mean, I never did actually lose my license, thankfully, but, you know, impulsive shopping. 

I  am also an addiction counselor and I know now that there's lots of people with ADHD who went undiagnosed and self-medicated. And for me that was true as well. I ended up finding myself a person who needed to have a couple drinks in order to be social and relax and slow myself down enough to be fully present. 

And you know, another one of my passions is making sure that people with ADHD know what the risks are for self medication, but also what the treatment is for self medication. You know, if you're a person in recovery, there are ADHD treatments for you. So it was just really incredibly validating. I joke and say that my husband looked at me and said, duh, everyone knows you have ADHD. But at the time, it just was this huge relief, like, oh, well, that's why I did all those things. That makes sense. There is a little bit of a grieving process for me. It wasn't quite as bad as I know it's been for clients that I work with. Because I was good at school, I didn't have a problem academically. I was always top of my class and always able to follow through and finish the big things for the most part.

But I have seen so many people wonder what might have been, you know, if I'd been diagnosed as a kid and had those supports. And for me, I can't think that way because I don't think it's even possible that it could have happened. I grew up in the 70s and so it just wasn't talked about then. There was no one who was looking. And so my heart goes out to my clients, like in their 30s and 40s, who truly may have been diagnosed younger if someone brought it up or mentioned it, or been paying attention. And it's incredibly frustrating for them too. But that grieving process is an important piece of, of going through an ADHD diagnosis. But for me it was very validating and also inspiring to find ways to ensure that future girls and women didn't have to go through the same struggles that I went through.

Lauren Clouser:

Yeah, I'd love for you to expand a little bit on ADHD in girls and women too, and what you've learned.

Jeremy Didier:

Yeah, I mean people talk about it all the time now. Girls and women are missed most of the time for lots of reasons. You know, one, women are, I always like to say women are smarter than men, but that's not accurate. However, smart girls and women get diagnosed about 10 years later than their same age peers because they learn how to mask more quickly and how to mask better. They know that there's something different. And so they spend a lot of time watching the other girls and women and boys and men around them and learn how to pretend like they're normal, whatever normal is. They fake those kinds of social interactions and they get very good at it, it's almost a trauma response. They get very good at reading a room and recognizing what's going on for people so that you know what part of you is supposed to show up or which mask to put on.

And usually, behind the scenes they're completely falling apart and it just shows up differently. For the inattentive girl they get missed because they're not making any noise, they're daydreaming and they're looking out the window. For the hyperactive girl, maybe they are in sports. I see this a lot too, and I saw this with my daughter as well. She was in a sport pretty much year round, different sports, but always had that exercise, and we now know that exercise can sometimes act as a stimulant medication in some ways in terms of symptom management. So now that we know more about girls and women, and we're learning more all the time, you know, about how hormones interact with ADHD and with ADHD medication, and also the risks associated with being a girl or a woman with undiagnosed ADHD. The negative life trajectories and the potential awful outcomes for girls and women that get missed are devastating. I mean, they're significantly worse than those for boys and men with undiagnosed ADHD. And we're just overachievers, I guess, maybe in the wrong way. I think it's getting better. 

You know, all the studies up until recently were only done in boys and men. And so thankfully, now we've got many more studies that have girls and women. We don't have any that focus on our nonbinary or our transgender population, which we absolutely need to rectify soon. And I don't know the exact percentage, but I would say there's a high number of individuals with neurodiversity in the transgender population as well. So that's something that I think we want to look at too. We don't have any norms or standards for assessing there, and still a lot of work to do, but it is getting better, so that's good.

Lauren Clouser:

Yeah. I'm so glad you brought that up.

Jeremy Didier:

Yeah.

Lauren Clouser:

And to switch gears a little bit into parenting.

Jeremy Didier:

Oh, yeah.

Lauren Clouser:

So how can parents who have ADHD or an LD, because they often co-occur, how can they support their neurodivergent children? I know there's a lot of: how can I support my child if I also struggle with these same things? Do you have any insights to share with us?

Jeremy Didier:

I mean, I can tell you what we did, and I could tell you some things that have worked for us and for others. I mean, the first thing is treat your own ADHD and your own LD, because it's that awful cliche now, but, you’ve got to put your oxygen mask on first or you can't drink from an empty cup, whatever. Definitely. I think one of my favorite research studies about ADHD in parents is that if you do nothing other than treat the parent with ADHD, even if you don't treat the kid with ADHD, the entire household gets better. Even if just the one parent with ADHD takes medication or goes to cognitive behavioral therapy. So treat your ADHD. 

I have parents sometimes who say, oh, I know I have ADHD, but I don't need to go get diagnosed. And that really makes me mad. And I have to temper it a little bit because, I think, you put your kids through this whole process to get diagnosed, and they're looking to you to lead the way. And so what better way to honor your child's journey than for you to go and get an official diagnosis as well? Even if you know you have ADHD, there is still something incredibly validating about getting that official diagnosis. So treat your ADHD first before you do anything else. And then work with a parent, coach, or someone who specializes in ADHD and cognitive behavioral therapy. Parents who get diagnosed late, it's different if they've already been diagnosed when they were kids, but if you were diagnosed as an adult, a lot of times there's a significant amount of trauma that comes along with your journey, probably because ADHD is highly genetic. So your parents probably had ADHD too, and they may have not had the healthiest coping skills.

And so we're just, we're hardwired, I think, to repeat some of the things that we learned as kids from our parents. And so I always encourage clients to go and do some trauma work if they have that in their past, because most parents don't want to bring that to their kids. They want to be different and show up for their kids with ADHD, or any kid, in the best way possible. And the things that work for neurotypical kids don't work for kids with ADHD. You know, I grew up in an age where we were spanked, you know, or we would take things away. Like the loss of privileges was the way to make things happen. And that doesn't work for kids with ADHD. They just forget. 

Positive reinforcement, as backwards as it feels, just like stimulant medication. You don't think stimulant medication is going to slow you down, but it does. You don't think the positive reinforcement is going to work for a kid with ADHD, but it does. But you have to learn that, and you have to go through that process. It was super easy to catastrophize for a long time. And for our fear to come out as anger, whether that's how you show up in public, you know, when your kid's melting down, is everyone staring at me, I’m a terrible parent, and then that impacts your output, and that impacts your kid, because they can feel it. And you're stuck in this vicious cycle.

So, you know, learning how your ADHD shows up, learning what your triggers are is super important. And then the most important thing I think is, well, there's a couple that I think are the most important. One is that there is a three to five year developmental delay. So kids with ADHD are three to five years behind their same age peers in at least one or two major executive function areas. You know, we do catch up, but there's some studies that show that it's like late 20s, early 30s before our brains catch all the way up. And that's okay. I mean, I'd rather know that it's going to take that long. 

And if you look at your kids with ADHD, you probably can see it. The hardest time is high school because my kids are tall, so they look like adults when they're 14, 15, 16, and they look to other people like adults. And if you are not, if you're just looking at the kid, and a lot of our kids are smart, you're not thinking, I need to give this kid the same supports I would give a 9 year old or a 10 year old. And folks, if you've forgotten what that's like, we're talking third, fourth grade. And so if you got a kid in high school, most teachers and adults are not thinking that we need to provide supports that we've given a fourth grader or a fifth grader. But actually in some cases or in some areas that's what they need. And for me, anytime I would get frustrated with my kids, remembering that three to five year developmental delay always helped me to reset and come from a place of empathy. And I can't remember what the other important thing was. Oh yeah, I remember. You don't have to do it the way other people do.

Be willing to think outside the box. You know, I always joke that this is my major contribution to the field of ADHD parenting. And that's put the kids' toothbrushes by the kitchen sink or keep deodorant in your car. You know, the little things. If all these things that we have are societal expectations that we don't even realize it's okay to not do those, and to outsource things, but that's a whole different journey. So those are my main parenting tips. I don't know if that's helpful at all. Those are the big ones.

Lauren Clouser:

No, I love those. And I wanted to talk more about your coaching approach for parents that you do with ImpactParents. How did your life experience inform this approach?

Jeremy Didier:

If you're someone who's looking for coaching, I think it's refreshing but also validating to be working with someone who's kind of been through it or had that experience and also has ADHD. As a licensed clinician, now as a clinical social worker, I have to be there. There's all this back and forth about disclosing whether or not you have any neurodiversity or ADHD, and it's probably never really gotten in my way. I think again, it's more supportive for my clients to know. But, you know, I've just been incredibly fortunate. I did the ADHD coach training through ADDCA. I also did Jodi Sleeper-Triplett’s training because I wasn't sure if I wanted to work with kids or adults.

You know, I was fortunate to meet Elaine and Diane with ImpactParents at a CHADD conference, the first one that I went to, and they were just in the right place. They were getting ready to expand and looking for their kind of first additional coach. And I was just finishing my coach training and it just worked out perfectly. And I love everything about their model. You know, being a detective and getting curious about what's really going on. Because as we know with kids, behavior means something. And if you don't take the time to try to figure out exactly what's behind the behavior, then you're going to come up with a solution that doesn't fit the problem because you didn't understand the problem. And I also love that they focus primarily on the parent because it's easy to forget that you can change you.

And for me, that was such a relief to know, okay, I can't change my kid, but I can change the way I react to things and I can learn new tools and skills. And what a gift to be able to recognize that I can make a difference in myself. And that alone is going to make a huge impact on the family.

Lauren Clouser:

What are some strategies that you've utilized at home to help your children regulate with ADHD?

Jeremy Didier:

We've gotten pretty good at recognizing triggers. Like I said, I have five kids. My oldest is now 27. So 27, 25, 22, 20. And then we have a surprise kid. We have an 11 year old. And, so first of all, I just want to say that we've done none of this perfectly. And the only reason that I feel comfortable sharing some things is just that we've kind of made it to the other side on a lot of things, but not all the things.

Some of the things that I shared earlier are the parenting strategies that have worked, but in terms of emotional regulations, you know, really recognizing and respecting the triggers. You know, my sons that have ADHD and autism would get so upset and have these really impressive meltdowns where, I mean, full blown, full body, like, throw yourself on the ground, throw things against the wall, really violent things where I was almost embarrassed to talk about it with other people because I was sure that things like that weren't happening in other people's houses. And thankfully, through our ADHD support group, I found out that stuff like that does happen in other people's households. But there was always a sign that something was wrong. Like, I could, if I break it down, I could go back and I could always see when they were starting to get agitated. A lot of times it was changes in routine, shocking for people with autism. Sudden changes in routine, transitions, taking away the electronics without a warning, that kind of thing. 

As they got a little bit older too, you know, they were able to recognize when they were feeling like they needed a break or that they were getting emotional too. So kind of between the two of us, we were able to come up with some strategies. And if Theo had said I need a break or I need to go to my room, we needed to let him go, because if he didn't go and he was asking, when he was being upfront and saying I need this now, I feel like I'm not safe and I need to go to my room so I can calm myself. If we gave him that opportunity, then he would go to his room and calm down. If we didn't, then we were sorry. It wasn't like, I don't want to say it like a threat. Because it wasn't that at all. It was just a recognition that he was getting upset and that he needed to go someplace and calm himself down. And he was able to do that if we gave him the chance to do that.

And I think initially we thought he just wanted to get out of being in trouble or something. And so we didn't give him that grace. And learning that was huge. You know, check in and make sure your kid has eaten is a big one too, especially with the meds. After school is prime meltdown time, so we tried to always have a protein based snack handy or not to dive right into the homework or give them a break to let that mental load come off. And gosh, it's been a long time since I had to go to school for eight hours and I cannot imagine it. It's got to be exhausting. So it's so easy to forget those things. Making sure that your kids have eaten, that the basics are taken care of and that makes a big difference.

Lauren Clouser:

Especially too if they are having to mask while at school this entire time like you talked about earlier, that takes a lot out of you as well, on top of everything else. So that makes a lot of sense.

Jeremy Didier:

Exactly, exactly. Yeah. I think I read a statistic somewhere that neurodiverse kids work like five times...I don't know if this is accurate. Three to five times as hard. Maybe that's back to my three to five years during the day as a neurotypical kid does to stay on top of everything and pay attention. I cannot imagine how exhausting. I mean, I can because I guess I've been through it. 

But it's no wonder that we're all tired in the afternoon and want to take a nap at like 2 or 3. And I fully support that. 

Lauren Clouser:

Yeah, definitely. Well, this might be a big one, but what are some things that you wish more people knew about ADHD?

Jeremy Didier:

Oh my gosh, I wish more people knew that ADHD can have a truly devastating impact on people's life. You know, a lot of times I think people think of it as a joke to some extent. Oh, we're all a little bit ADHD, or, oh, squirrel. And those are fun and funny, and I recognize that I'm a person who has been fortunate and comes truly from a place of privilege here because I know for many, many people, they do not have the benefit of things like being able to have an ADHD coach, or having supportive parents or a partner, or resources that can help you work with individuals who can help you learn to manage your ADHD. 

But ADHD impacts literally everything. People with ADHD die almost 15 years earlier than their same age peers due to all kinds of different things. I think Steve Faraone, who's a world famous researcher, has a study that connects ADHD with all kinds of different illnesses and just everything, obesity, cardiac issues in women. I mean it is a very serious issue and it's also the most treatable chronic mental health condition out there. There's almost no other mental health condition that has medication that works 80% of the time and that you can stay on, and that has, therapies that we know work, and executive function training that we know works, mindfulness, meditation, exercise, all these things help make ADHD symptoms more manageable. Even to the point where like over time, if you're in a good space and you're on the right medicine and doing all those other things and life isn't too dramatic, you can take a test for ADHD and come back as not having it. And so few people realize that. But if you are not managing your ADHD or if you've gone undiagnosed, I mean, it's five times the chance of suicide.

You're four times more likely to become addicted to something. Unplanned pregnancies, getting involved with the justice system, getting fired, ending up in multiple relationships, being underemployed, under-educated, the impulse control and emotional regulation are huge things. And so it can truly be a devastating developmental disorder for people who don't recognize it as such. And that I would just like for more people to understand that. 

Lauren Clouser:

Definitely. Jeremy, before I let you go, is there anything that I didn't ask that you want to talk about, whether about your work as a coach, as a parent?

Jeremy Didier:

Gosh. I think I would just like to say organizations like LDA and CHADD are fantastic because they are there for parents and individuals who want help and want support. And I think when you get a diagnosis, it can be kind of scary and you go online and you look and there's like 500 million hits and you don't know where to start. Start with the evidence-based people. Start with LDA and with CHADD. There's only really a few organizations out there that are truly purely evidence-based and, and community-based organizations. And you know, those are always the best places to go because you know that the information and resources that you're getting are based in the latest science, and there's just this incredible community. I can't say enough how powerful it is to know that you're not alone.

Back in the day when Theo was first diagnosed and crazy things were happening in our house and you feel very alone and embarrassed and ashamed and you know, being able to go to a peer support group or an online meeting, or just listening to speakers talk, or even just trailing through the magazines on the CHADD website or the LDA website and reading articles from other people and knowing that what I was experiencing is not unusual for people with ADHD who have kids with ADHD was so affirming and so just positively reinforcing that it made all the difference in the world. And there's nothing more passionate than a parent trying to get something for her kid. And so keep in mind that there's a lot of people out there that feel that way. But also, if you want to volunteer. CHADD and LDA are both great places to come and share that passion because it feels good to give back. So I think I just wanted to touch on the importance of advocacy organizations like LDA and CHADD and put in a plug for those.

Lauren Clouser:

Absolutely. We appreciate it.

Jeremy Didier:

Yeah.

Lauren Clouser:

Where can people go to learn more about you?

Jeremy Didier:

Yeah. So CHADD.org is our big website. If you're in Kansas city, I'm@treehouse adhd.com but, but CHADD.org is the big one. Or adhdkc.org which is our local CHADD chapter and we'd love to see you. All of our meetings are virtual. We have some that are in person, but you can join us anytime. Thank you so much for talking to me today. This has been great.

Lauren Clouser:

Of course. Yeah. Thank you so much for giving us your time and your experience. This is such a great conversation.

Jeremy Didier:

Thank you.

Lauren Clouser:

Thank you for listening to the LDA podcast which is made possible through the support members and donors to make a donation or to get valuable resources and support. Visit ldaamerica.org.